by Clayton Makepeace

Old joke:

A guy has two daughters.  One’s a perky little blonde - a cheerleader and a hopeless optimist.  The other is a Goth:  She’s dyed her hair black, painted her fingernails black, wears black lipstick, heavy black mascara and is a dyed-in-the-wool pessimist.

Wanting to show each of them a more balanced view of life, Dad hits upon an idea:  He’ll give his little pessimist a pony - and he’ll present his optimistic daughter with a steaming pile of horse poop.

So when the little Goth comes home from school, Dad follows her to see how she’ll react to the pony he left for her in her bedroom.  “Oh no - not a pony,” shrieks the Goth.  “This is terrible:  I’m going to have to feed and water it every day, clean up after it every day – and someday, it’ll get sick and die!”

Shaking his head in bewilderment, Dad checks to see how his little optimist is reacting to the pile of manure in her bedroom.  Sure enough – she’s dancing around, throwing manure in the air like confetti and shouting “Yippee! Yippee!”

Baffled at his daughter’s euphoria, the father has to ask:  “I filled your room with manure – why are you so happy?!”

“Because with all this horse poop,” says the little optimist, “there’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

Meet Sad Sack

The other day, a guy – a real sad sack – left a post on my blog.  Said he’s been a copywriter for decades but has not been very successful at it.

It’s not his fault, of course.  It’s the world’s fault.  More specifically, the direct response marketing world’s fault.  And to get even more specific, it’s ultimately our prospects’ fault.

See, our Sad Sack realizes that prospects will not respond to a depressed, negative, cynical salesperson.  After all – if you’re interested in buying, say, a new car, the last thing you want is to consider all the possible negatives of car ownership.

We want the salespeople we deal with to be upbeat – excited, even – about the products we’re contemplating buying and the benefits they bring to our lives.  And since copywriters are salespeople in print, that means he’d have to become (horror of horrors) enthusiastic about the products he’s selling.

But enthusiastic sales copy – which our Sad Sack refers to as “hype” – is beneath him.  He wouldn’t dream of lowering himself …

Frankly, there are so many things wrong about that post,

I couldn’t even begin to address them all …

For one thing, our Sad Sack – our holier-than-thou cynic holding himself out to be a writer – obviously has no idea what the word “hype” even means.

The Encyclopedia Britannica defines “hype” – hyperbole – as “ … a figure of speech that is an intentional exaggeration for emphasis or comic effect.”

Wikipedia says hype is “ … a figure of speech in which statements are exaggerated … and is not meant to be taken literally.  Some examples include: ‘He has a brain the size of a pea.’ … ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.’ … ‘If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times.’ …”

Assuming that as a writer, Sad Sack understands that words have meaning – it seems he is opposed to saying “I could eat a horse” unless you have substantiation proving beyond a doubt that you do, in fact, have the digestive capacity to process 1,200 pounds of horseflesh at one sitting.

But of course, that’s not what S.S. is saying.  He’s saying that being enthusiastic about the benefits a product brings to people’s lives – writing high energy sales copy about those benefits – is somehow immoral.

Because he didn’t just fall off the turnip truck:  He knows all too well that there are plenty of negatives associated with every product you can name.

And you know what?  He is 100% correct.

Big Macs tastes great – but they’ll make you fat, raise your blood pressure and if you eat them every day, they will probably wind up killing you with a heart attack or stroke.

Porsche 911s are a blast to drive – but they don’t get great gas mileage, virtually guarantee you’ll get speeding tickets and could ultimately kill you in a fiery crash.

Single people who want a life partner may be the most deceptive marketers of all – spending a small fortune each year to mask their physical flaws and emotional insecurities.

Even puppies have a downside.  Sure – they’re cute, funny, adorable … but they will chew your slippers, poop on the carpet, barf on the couch, hump your Aunt Tilly’s leg – and ultimately, of course, they all die. 

When you buy a puppy, you are in reality, buying a series of crises followed by a future tragedy.  

And yes, McDonalds, Porsche, potential significant others and the dog pound are all notorious for their failure to mention the downside in their advertising.  Instead, they spend their ad budgets emphasizing every benefit and suppressing every drawback.

… Which, to our moralistic Sad Sack is totally unacceptable … completely beneath a person possessing his lofty ideals and high moral character.

Obituary writer needed

“And so,” said Sad Sack, “I guess I’ll just have to accept the fact that I’m not going to be very successful.”

To which, I was tempted to write …

“No, you’re not going to be a success.  At least not in the sales biz.”

“If you, in your heart of hearts, hate being advertised to … if you incessantly bitch about the amount of junk mail you receive … if you hate spending your money on anything but the bare necessities … and if you assume that everyone with a product or service to sell is a scam artist …

“There is an excellent chance that you have chosen to pursue the wrong career.

“Don’t get me wrong – you can still make a decent living as a writer.  But please – for Buddha’s sake – get out of the marketing game now.  There are plenty of writing jobs for negative, cynical people.

“Sure:  You may wind up writing obituaries for the rest of your life, but hey – at least you won’t starve!”

Free your mind and your arse will follow

In retrospect, I shouldn’t have ignored Sad Sack’s post.  Because he makes a point that simply isn’t being made enough by copywriting coaches today.

See, like the optimist in the little story at the beginning of this article, those of us who have made it in this business tend to be very positive people.  We’re optimists.  We believe that the products we promote really do bring value to our prospects’ lives.  That makes us happy – enthusiastic, even – when describing that value.

On balance though, we also understand that in today’s increasingly skeptical world, optimism and enthusiasm must have a foundation.  Our sales copy must be credible; therefore based on real, provable, easily demonstrable facts.

So while it’s true that just about everybody can write and that just about anyone can learn the rules for creating fair-to-middlin’ sales copy, not everybody has the proper belief system, mindset or the temperament to be a successful salesperson in print.

But couldn’t the same be said for pretty much every field of human endeavor?

The simple truth is …

If you think you’re a victim, you will always be a victim.

If you search for reasons to be depressed or to quit trying, you will find them.

If you justify your failure by belittling – or worse:  Blaming your failure on successful people, you will find plenty of people willing to exploit you by confirming your victimhood … by justifying your depression … by commending you for your failure to give it your all … and by helping you blame others for your failure.

A couple of years ago, a woman told me she could never make it in this biz because she was a female.

Years earlier, a guy told me he’d never make it because he was black.

Guess what?  Neither one of them made it.

Meanwhile, my beloved friend, Carline Anglade-Cole – an afro-American female copywriter – is driving a Mercedes, living in a 6,500 square-foot mansion and making $800k a year.

Food for thought …

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